Squeezing out the tears

Like a pumpkin scraped of its guts, my bones really do rattle from the core and outwards. Each day does not get easier,...the loss, the loss is what it is. And everything before then. If I had a record book to keep all these thoughts and feelings inside, the corrective measures are the fanciest part, you should try them.

Looking back at simply not being able to see, though squinting, that someone might be listening...I simply could not comprehend it. Among the list of the many sins I do own, and use regularly. Trying to stay afloat in a regular ol' life, yet pondering backwards the why's, the how's, and the oh no's, not that road.

Feeling none the better for having written about it, right here, in my very own "for my eyes alone" video blog. Sans moving pictures.

Seven years

Heading backwards you'll see, 4, 3, 2, 1...announcing her gorgeous presence at the alley, the balance provided through him, not hers. And I strut on forth with another successful interaction under my belt, aware of my faults and misgivings. I own them.

Too much time has passed, no more reason left to heal all those doubts, which were/are there for good reason. Being used, over-analyzed, bombarded with assaults to that dignity I had, and lost. Each friend I regain, social interaction I conquer, heals some part of my soul. Not even broken.

Nothing in the way, wholly honest today, and back then, back all the way then, now apologize. The risks were always present, the cure heads my way in forgiveness-prone form, awaiting its arrival. I'm at fault, it's always been me, the blame-able one.

Today's brunches

Whipped up buttery cream cheese CAKE cookies, with a reuben-like sandwich to match, for dinner. The day planned ahead, rewarding whole efforts with a peace and sustenance I hadn't previously had. Then, travel to a shop for some coffee, she said.

In the meantime a Senseo (another), plus milk. And just enjoying the rhythm of kids who get themselves dressed, while I tackle the rest of my work. Full plates ahead.

A new Tuesday

In retrospect, pinto beans married to ground beef, even with ranch sour cream...it leaves me wondering. Can the deluxest taco recipe really ever be found? Back to school shopping for a growing girl whose spurts surprise me. Five determined beings, no skirting around.

Just a mom today, in boring just-a-mom glasses, brand new. Defining these moments as peacefulness re-enters. It's returning, the normalcy of just seeing and being, I'm found.

Deeply enmeshed

The words are scuffled away by some doubting motion, not mine. Who else muse, I ask straightforwardly and honest, but you? The perfect love, flexible to the ends of soul's worth, we'll never meet up in abandon, it's true.

Digging calm waiting out from firm doubting, we'll reconnect our spirits anew. Hidden meanings be gone, yet eager standards stay strong, holding a place aimed for you. Echoes have lost their pull and their grandeur, disguising an old cherished view.

Not really shambles

...but attention getting, no? Well, truth is that I've walked a crooked, tangled path until about three days prior. When I woke up all the way into the truths that are becoming my life. An ever-changing process, not always voluntary, but a natural part of growth.

Dumping losses behind you, that only haunt if given attention, letting go. Standing in them too, waiting through the tides, becoming less rubber than glue. Wanting all the shards to stick, to stay and teach, I'll learn. Wandering towards my forties, it is painful. And you?

Yesterday's journal entry

Marking my accomplishments so each day gathers its meaning. Sometimes, life can seem long and the outcome, God, don't get me started on the outcome. Honestly, the day will come for all of us when our bodies are so frail we've no choice but to depend on those who surround us.

Had I entered mothering with the intention of preparing these young selves to caretake, and to breed a new round of caretakers, just oh. Didn't really occur to me at the time that life's long journey has a surprisingly morbid last third of it.